Sheep…

Q. How many sheep does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. None; all the sheep will flock around, however the shepherd has to change the lightbulb because all the flock are too sheepish to change it themselves…

Advertisements

Fudging Women… (rude)

Things you can shout instead of “Fu#@ you you filthy Fu@$ing Sl)t” in an argument with a loved one…

I wanna go and live in a light house.

I have had enough, I am going to live with the queen.

Why don’t you just go and hug yourself.

You insolent idiot, I hate all of your stupid friends who live in the television.

Well I look great in your underwear so I don’t need you anymore anyway.

Well your just a massive boob.

Boob face.

Your roots are showing, and everyone knows it.

I want a new bloody toaster.

All my friends who live in the television said I could do better anyway…

Iron bar… (adult themes)

Helping very small children inflict a decent amount of pain.

Resolves most arguments.

A temporary quick fix pain killer.

Makes you appear ten times bigger and harder, And your money back (or else).

Gets you other peoples stuff free of charge.

Helps you dodge que’s in any number of situations.

Your local Police armed response unit not turning up fast enough….

Have no where to stay tonight and a police cell seems luxurious?

Is a good source of iron in your daily diet.

A good alternative to more expensive sleep inducing products (also see for pain killer when morning arrives).

Your Mum will just not shut up about you getting a job / wife / baby / etc.

A good way to show who is boss in an office situation.

Make friends with fear and respect.

Can’t afford pet food? No more pet, no more worries…

Piss…

Urinating in a public place in the day time is really really bad. However in the night time it is quite socially acceptable if done discreetly and slightly out the way. Although generally a drunken habit, it is far more fun to practise when you are sober.  And for those feminist pop phycologists among you; I have had a chat (or mutual grunting sessions) with a few domestic animals and everyday sociopaths, I can conclude that it is nothing whatsoever to do with marking territories, it is more just a way of saying hi to one another at a distance, like them old guys with their radio handles and whatnot. Plus it makes you feel like you may be a werewolf. If you urinate in public places at night when sober as a common hobby or pastime, you may find yourself conversing with certain types of mammals (including humans) in grunts and groans sometimes, it’s just part of the whole scene you know…

Girls…

I have reached to the conclusion that telling a potential female mate or sexual partner, In an area of public alcohol consumption or other places where one is supposed to meet females? That she is a “picture of loveliness”; may very well end up with the two of us having fun in a field or bedroom. Is this true? Answers in the comments section please…