I have been reading some books full of top tips. Which is part of England’s Viz magazine. You may have heard of it. Being on a long bus journey and cramming them into my head; I came up with some of my own, although no where near as short or sweet. A few pretty fowl things here, just sayin…
1. Don’t have your own rain coat and need to go outside? – place some black bin liners over your head in times of heavy rain. Be sure to make breathing and seeing holes to prevent an unfortunate death by suffocation and walking into rivers or oncoming vehicles.
2. Sit around in a public place writing your name on paper with a pencil, erase it. Then irrationally repeat the process several thousand times and convince people you are a famous writer working on your second masterpiece.
3. Pig fuckers – make your sow tighter and more pleasurable by wiring an electric fence to two forks with insulating tapes for handles. Then apply a medium electrical charge to your favourite sows bottom everyday for a month, to induce a muscle spasm, eventually making her vaginal and anal wall tighter. Keeping her a young and fresh experience, even towards the end of her life.
4. Live like you have a traditional English wife by shouting at the television and headbutting furniture before watching EastEnders instead of having sex. Then head to the cheapest local pub and drink dangerous amounts of alcohol, even if you have work the next day.
5. Don’t have any pets? Place on an unusually furry mitten and place little wobbly eyes on the end of your metal sign fingers for tentacle/eyes. Also useful for strange masturbation rituals or a new friend for lonely types who talk to themselves for no reason.
6. Dealing weed or solids in tight metrical amounts? Why not charge a consultation fee per drug deal and add delivery charges. If you deal from home you could charge £5 for a cup of instant coffee with a single plain digestive biscuit.
7. Girls! Forever finding men to mess you around emotionally? They only use you for sex or become less interested when they find out about your alcohol addiction/facial hair that only shows under bright lights/children? Try masturbation.
8. Don’t like doctors?
Solve all their medical issues in one session with an iron bar or large baseball bat.
9. Small children who don’t like your parents… Try randomly jabbing a flathead screwdriver into the seatbelt catch of your parents car when they are sleeping in preparation for a long car journey. Before you all leave for the big drive in the morning eat 18-49 spoons of instant coffee. Then talk and talk and talk and talk until the car crashes. Hopefully when you crash only the two at the front will die and you will get lovely new parents in a peaceful happy town in the countryside. If you sustain a permanent injury then everyone at your new school will be your friend and insist on how brave and heroic you are. If you die, all your misery will be over anyway.
10. Have a small penis? Save the pain and potential erectile dysfunction of excessive jelking techniques and the cash from high priced more effective stimulation devices by wearing a vibrating cock ring and leaving it running when watching tv/working in the office/playing computer games/etc.
Apologies in advanced…