Career Choice…

Well I was going to be rejected from my mothers vagina along with loads of blood and other forms of sticky residue, that perhaps would not be comparable to the contents of bio yogurt.
However, as it turns out I was indeed fertilised into the world by the seamen of a less fortunate born man, and so my life was ruined…

If Spirytus had advertising…

Spirytus neutral grain spirit is a 95% Polish / Estonian vodka beverage, it is not exactly what many people would describe as expensive to buy, it is cheap… (may as well be petrol)

Here is the advertising I imagine for such a drink…

All your family were killed in a plane crash, you are too depressed to work and now live in a hedge…

Drink Spirytus…

Your loved ones were raped by gangsters and you were punished by being locked in a high security mental ward for complaining…

Drink Spirytus…

For some reason everyone you know have committed suicide or gone to prison…

Drink Spirytus…

You were beaten, robbed and burnt alive because someone else owed someone else some money, now you can only write with half the alphabet…

Drink Spirytus…

Tried committing suicide only to survive and now you speak in the dialect of small primates and poo yourself…

Drink Spirytus…

You and all your friends were molested at school, and given bad exam results for being a naughty tale tale, now you are a prostitute who is thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of monetary units in debt (or even millions)…

Drink Spirytus…

There is no justice in the world, except on television.

But who the hell has a television…

Drink Spirytus…

You are dead? Tsk tsk tsk, no Spirytus for you…

Drink Spirytus, the best medical care that money can buy…

Now with Vitamin S…

Two Young and Good Looking People learn how to read…

Two young and good looking people were in a flat watching the “how to be even more young and good looking” show on television.

Suddenly a brick came through the window with a note attached to it.

One young and good looking person took the brick from the new dent in his good friends forehead.

“Bad news” he mumbled “I think your sister is pregnant”.

“Is that not your ex girlfriend” he replied.

“I am not so sure, I was really quite drunk that night” he counter replied

“oh” he counter counter replied “So what else is on tv?”

Fin…

Time Travel…

Two dinosaurs were chilling out on top of a hill by a time-space portal,  chatting about the week thus far, which was the usual routine for a Sunday morning.

All of a sudden with a flash of light, bleeps, blops and warb warb sounds, a middle aged male Victorian explorer teleported through the time portal in the most aristocratic attire and a decent English accent.

“Excuse me there good fellows”, he said politely, “Do you happen to know which period we are in?”

The first dinosaur let out an almighty roar as the other reached down and bit into his head and severed it roughly and quickly from the rest of his body, leaving blood gushing from his neck and his body in a epileptic type seizure.

“Well then”, said the first dinosaur, “I think it must be time to head to church.”

So they wandered down the hill together at a slow and tranquil pace towards the village.

Fin…