Things… and stuff!

Things that are good and why…

Television – television is good because people who watch tv are less likely to infect each other with chicken pox, cold sores and the ebola virus as they are too busy chain smoking and eating dangerous amounts of junk food and alcohol while watching Eastenders or whatever it is nowadays.

Television is also good because it gives people stuff to talk about apparently.

Buses – buses are good because there are less people driving and thus less people making the bees tired with all the exhaust fumes.

That and like the ozone layer and things.

Breasts – breasts are good, so are vaginas, so is sex, I rarely get any.

Plates – Plates are good because they have food on them, however they are fundemantally very very dull as a singular entitie, no matter how many patterns you put on a plate, or women holding jugs pouring milk under a victorian sunset, that is still very very dull, sorry.

Washing machines – washing machines are really good because they stop me being even more smelly than my trainers do alone, however I do not know anything other than 40 degree synthetic setting, also know to the older generation as “The bloke setting”.

My washing machine was making my clothes more smelly because of hippy washing alternative “Soap nuts”, I tried but they didnt work for me. Chemicles are good for washing machines.

Hugs – Hugs are incredibally wonderful and amazing, especially if you include breasts too, not even in an arousing way just squishy breasty hugs, and other hugs, all hugs, hugs are great…

Low cut tops – I recently was given an old vest t shirt that belonged to my cousin Adam. At first I was afraid, I was petrified, however I walked around in a thin low cut vest and I noticed some women or girls or even guys noticing me. And I thought “Wow, this is great”. So now I wear vest type thing as part of a rigerous uniform, I really enjoy picking things up and leaning more than I ever have. Oh and bending in yoga and body balance for the “Plank” position.

If I was a woman I would would flaunt my cleavage until the day only a brain damaged ex convict on large amounts of coffee would appreciate them, whom I would take into my evil clutches when he was volounteering at the old peoples home where I would live. Gradually I would talk about much younger women at the beach to gradually lure him in and make him too arroused to be able to resist, I would bore him for several hours about things I enjoyed doing and show him photographs of other peoples holidays I found laying around in parks and hospitals.

Things that are bad and why…

Televisions – The idiot box will drain you of any real active life, I much prefer radio 4, I actually really hate television, I hardly watch it, it completly zombified me.

Did I lie, did I forget, was I just in a haze, yeah tv, hmmm. I like music videos though.

KFC – I am currently struggling with a mild KFC dependancy, I keep walking past and there is like this super electro magnet that homes in on the iron in my blood stream and draws me in. I can say in the morning I will not go in, I can try and stop myself one day, I can say “I’m done with that shit”. But I will always be back.

See also Pot Noodle, doughnuts, etc etc

Bullies – bullies are bad, it’s important to have defence, but then would it be too strong, or turn out to be bullying too… you decide…

Boredom – I think you get to a point of being bored when your bored of it so you find different things that bore you, these are called hobbies and interests. I would rather be going down waterslides than sitting on a bus. Or ice skating than yoga or reading. but you know.

Being ripped off and having to ask for a refund or replacement – these moments are always so akward for me, I always feel as if I have walked into someones home and asked them to eat there own feices when I ask for a replacement or refund.

People who speak on your behalf in front of you without you wanting them too – just grrrr only have 13 minutes left at the library and want seven of each…

Non descript bacterial infections in your penis – It’s not serious enough to be horrifying like aids, but I had one and got some antibiotics, then I had to not masturbate for two or three weeks afterwards. This was in like decemeber or something, now it is September, I still cant not masturbate and I still have a bit of stinging, the most I managed is 11 days, as soon as I feel slightly healed I miss my “Matt’s happy times” so much that I go at it several times, over and over. I have methods of keeping myself doing it like convincing myself my sex drive will never come back or its really important to keep your stamina trained to keep my future wife happy. But a mans best friend is never lonely if a man is very very very very Bored

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Physciatrist mafioso…

Today, oh ho, I went to see a psychiatrist, who oddly enough is named Dr Lynch. In the last few years I have had quite a few problems with him and some others who are supposed to care for me. I could have easily paid a lot of tax in this country by now if it was not for their incompetence. Although to be fair I live off the tax payer as I am yet to be functional. Anyway I was in the waiting room ripping up any posters on the wall that implied I could get the help I wanted that I can not, I sat down. Then passed the waiting room walked passed a rather large thuggish looking man with slightly auburn hair. This man looked like one of the bosses from final fight or something, massive. I thought this was strange as I was planning to break the Dr’s legs, however my friend and I are swapping flats and I would like to get settled before going in and put of hospital or prison. The Dr arrived soon after and I walked up the corridor with him, I came into the room and sat down. He came in then his phone rang and he went outside the room briefly and then came back in and said it was people calling him about “health insurance”, I was thinking is this guy like a psychiatrist or a mafioso. We had a talk, there was lots to discuss and there are a few things that I have been lied to about, harassed, neglected, and headfucked etc etc. And always they try to hide these things under the shadow of psychosis when I am more a traumatised person with asperges or something. It seems hopeful what he says he will do but I have been let down enough times. I mentioned they should read some psychiatry magazines and go on staff trips like waterslides and zorbing and things. I walked out and said goodbye, when I left the main entrance the beefcake guy walked in just as I was walking out. Which looked pretty fucking suspect. Anyhow you may judge but I have complained, discussed, shouted at people, caused criminal damage and been through a lot without help I should be getting, they do not listen and do not allow me to complain or take me seriously. And well it worked for Nelson Mandela and everyone loves him. I hope things will work out a bit better now, I was always a good person before all of this…

Witches…

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There are hundreds of witches out behind the library in Rougemont gardens. They are attempting to break a world record of the most witches gathered in one place witch is currently a not that impressive 765. They are also trying to get a pardon for three witches Temperance Lloyd, Susannah Edwards and Mary Trembles who were hung in Exeter 300 odd years ago. If nothing else this wonderful yet na├»ve inability to let go of things would at least prove some kind of loyalty to one another. I imagine dressing up as a witch could also remind a woman of when she is good and when she is wicked and thus help her to correct her behaviour. And they probably have good ideas about natural skin care too I would bet. They have gathered from literally hundreds(wow) of miles and are having a picnic…

The was an old woman…

Who I would tell people at parties if I was to socialise more, helped me carry my shopping home once. I was struggling and stopping and starting on the way home from Sainsbury’s, to be fair I was doing more stopping than starting, it was heavy stuff packed with loads of tin’s and fruit juice. I think this also reflects the kind of guy I am, I am soft and quite frankly a bit easy and sheepish. So I am already speaking inappropriately fairly often. People still want to trample me even more and I have had enough of it. So I have devised a few ways to be less considerate, here are a few…

Push in front of old ladies etc for the bus.
Sit closer to the front of the bus (even though I realised if you sit with the old you sit with incontinence (ie urine, piss, wee))
Do not pet other peoples animals. Do not say please and thank you as much.
Look at people funny more.
Don’t check out girls/ladies – they like it even if they moan about it, in fact I think they like it even more if it gives them a reason to pick fault in someone else.
Swear more.
Do not say thanks or give praise if people are generally wank at things, otherwise they will always be wank at things and continue to think otherwise.
Be generally less apologetic.
Be generally less complimentary.

I have been a very chivalrous person until nowish, your loss Exeter.

Respect is a two way thing.

Fin…

Dead things…

“No, taking photographs of dead things is not quite normal” I thought to myself as I passed a whole dead fish with its bulging eyes on the pavement. Wait how did it get there? we are miles from sea. I saw a guy peddling a wheelchair with his hands last night and didn’t really think anything of it, even though days before I had been inventing similar things in my mind whilst walking. I think I can attribute this to severe shock and strange occurrences…