Fudging Women… (rude)

Things you can shout instead of “Fu#@ you you filthy Fu@$ing Sl)t” in an argument with a loved one…

I wanna go and live in a light house.

I have had enough, I am going to live with the queen.

Why don’t you just go and hug yourself.

You insolent idiot, I hate all of your stupid friends who live in the television.

Well I look great in your underwear so I don’t need you anymore anyway.

Well your just a massive boob.

Boob face.

Your roots are showing, and everyone knows it.

I want a new bloody toaster.

All my friends who live in the television said I could do better anyway…

Piss…

Urinating in a public place in the day time is really really bad. However in the night time it is quite socially acceptable if done discreetly and slightly out the way. Although generally a drunken habit, it is far more fun to practise when you are sober.  And for those feminist pop phycologists among you; I have had a chat (or mutual grunting sessions) with a few domestic animals and everyday sociopaths, I can conclude that it is nothing whatsoever to do with marking territories, it is more just a way of saying hi to one another at a distance, like them old guys with their radio handles and whatnot. Plus it makes you feel like you may be a werewolf. If you urinate in public places at night when sober as a common hobby or pastime, you may find yourself conversing with certain types of mammals (including humans) in grunts and groans sometimes, it’s just part of the whole scene you know…

Girls…

I have reached to the conclusion that telling a potential female mate or sexual partner, In an area of public alcohol consumption or other places where one is supposed to meet females? That she is a “picture of loveliness”; may very well end up with the two of us having fun in a field or bedroom. Is this true? Answers in the comments section please…

Tip top ten… (explicit)

I have been reading some books full of top tips. Which is part of England’s Viz magazine. You may have heard of it. Being on a long bus journey and cramming them into my head; I came up with some of my own, although no where near as short or sweet. A few pretty fowl things here, just sayin…

1. Don’t have your own rain coat and need to go outside? – place some black bin liners over your head in times of heavy rain. Be sure to make breathing and seeing holes to prevent an unfortunate death by suffocation and walking into rivers or oncoming vehicles.

2. Sit around in a public place writing your name on paper with a pencil, erase it. Then irrationally repeat the process several thousand times and convince people you are a famous writer working on your second masterpiece.

3. Pig fuckers – make your sow tighter and more pleasurable by wiring an electric fence to two forks with insulating tapes for handles. Then apply a medium electrical charge to your favourite sows bottom everyday for a month, to induce a muscle spasm, eventually making her vaginal and anal wall tighter. Keeping her a young and fresh experience, even towards the end of her life.

4. Live like you have a traditional English wife by shouting at the television and headbutting furniture before watching EastEnders instead of having sex. Then head to the cheapest local pub and drink dangerous amounts of alcohol, even if you have work the next day.

5. Don’t have any pets? Place on an unusually furry mitten and place little wobbly eyes on the end of your metal sign fingers for tentacle/eyes. Also useful for strange masturbation rituals or a new friend for lonely types who talk to themselves for no reason.

6. Dealing weed or solids in tight metrical amounts? Why not charge a consultation fee per drug deal and add delivery charges. If you deal from home you could charge £5 for a cup of instant coffee with a single plain digestive biscuit.

7. Girls! Forever finding men to mess you around emotionally? They only use you for sex or become less interested when they find out about your alcohol addiction/facial hair that only shows under bright lights/children? Try masturbation.

8. Don’t like doctors?
Solve all their medical issues in one session with an iron bar or large baseball bat.

9. Small children who don’t like your parents… Try randomly jabbing a flathead screwdriver into the seatbelt catch of your parents car when they are sleeping in preparation for a long car journey. Before you all leave for the big drive in the morning eat 18-49 spoons of instant coffee. Then talk and talk and talk and talk until the car crashes. Hopefully when you crash only the two at the front will die and you will get lovely new parents in a peaceful happy town in the countryside. If you sustain a permanent injury then everyone at your new school will be your friend and insist on how brave and heroic you are. If you die, all your misery will be over anyway.

10. Have a small penis? Save the pain and potential erectile dysfunction of excessive jelking techniques and the cash from high priced more effective stimulation devices by wearing a vibrating cock ring and leaving it running when watching tv/working in the office/playing computer games/etc.

Apologies in advanced…