Time Travel…

Two dinosaurs were chilling out on top of a hill by a time-space portal,  chatting about the week thus far, which was the usual routine for a Sunday morning.

All of a sudden with a flash of light, bleeps, blops and warb warb sounds, a middle aged male Victorian explorer teleported through the time portal in the most aristocratic attire and a decent English accent.

“Excuse me there good fellows”, he said politely, “Do you happen to know which period we are in?”

The first dinosaur let out an almighty roar as the other reached down and bit into his head and severed it roughly and quickly from the rest of his body, leaving blood gushing from his neck and his body in a epileptic type seizure.

“Well then”, said the first dinosaur, “I think it must be time to head to church.”

So they wandered down the hill together at a slow and tranquil pace towards the village.

Fin…

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The return of the overweight menstrating lesbians…

Two overweight menstrating lesbians were together in the bath, with a thin but fine layer of lavender scented bubbles, in a huge and dim candle lit bathroom, sharing a bottle of the finest champagne to the sounds of the smoothest and most romantic music imaginable.
One overweight menstrating lesbian said to the other overweight menstrating lesbian “Oh for fuck sake, do you really have to fucking bleed EVERYWHERE!”. The other overweight menstrating lesbian replied to the original overweight menstrating lesbian “Fuck off you Cunt”.
Then the other other overweight menstrating lesbian looked at her self in the mirror stood near the bath and thought to herself “Hey, hang on just a minute, I am not supposed to be in this joke”, she stared at her naked body and for one time in her whole life did not feel out of place or insecure, and did not feel so bad about having to be alone at night.
Fin…

Things… and stuff!

Things that are good and why…

Television – television is good because people who watch tv are less likely to infect each other with chicken pox, cold sores and the ebola virus as they are too busy chain smoking and eating dangerous amounts of junk food and alcohol while watching Eastenders or whatever it is nowadays.

Television is also good because it gives people stuff to talk about apparently.

Buses – buses are good because there are less people driving and thus less people making the bees tired with all the exhaust fumes.

That and like the ozone layer and things.

Breasts – breasts are good, so are vaginas, so is sex, I rarely get any.

Plates – Plates are good because they have food on them, however they are fundemantally very very dull as a singular entitie, no matter how many patterns you put on a plate, or women holding jugs pouring milk under a victorian sunset, that is still very very dull, sorry.

Washing machines – washing machines are really good because they stop me being even more smelly than my trainers do alone, however I do not know anything other than 40 degree synthetic setting, also know to the older generation as “The bloke setting”.

My washing machine was making my clothes more smelly because of hippy washing alternative “Soap nuts”, I tried but they didnt work for me. Chemicles are good for washing machines.

Hugs – Hugs are incredibally wonderful and amazing, especially if you include breasts too, not even in an arousing way just squishy breasty hugs, and other hugs, all hugs, hugs are great…

Low cut tops – I recently was given an old vest t shirt that belonged to my cousin Adam. At first I was afraid, I was petrified, however I walked around in a thin low cut vest and I noticed some women or girls or even guys noticing me. And I thought “Wow, this is great”. So now I wear vest type thing as part of a rigerous uniform, I really enjoy picking things up and leaning more than I ever have. Oh and bending in yoga and body balance for the “Plank” position.

If I was a woman I would would flaunt my cleavage until the day only a brain damaged ex convict on large amounts of coffee would appreciate them, whom I would take into my evil clutches when he was volounteering at the old peoples home where I would live. Gradually I would talk about much younger women at the beach to gradually lure him in and make him too arroused to be able to resist, I would bore him for several hours about things I enjoyed doing and show him photographs of other peoples holidays I found laying around in parks and hospitals.

Things that are bad and why…

Televisions – The idiot box will drain you of any real active life, I much prefer radio 4, I actually really hate television, I hardly watch it, it completly zombified me.

Did I lie, did I forget, was I just in a haze, yeah tv, hmmm. I like music videos though.

KFC – I am currently struggling with a mild KFC dependancy, I keep walking past and there is like this super electro magnet that homes in on the iron in my blood stream and draws me in. I can say in the morning I will not go in, I can try and stop myself one day, I can say “I’m done with that shit”. But I will always be back.

See also Pot Noodle, doughnuts, etc etc

Bullies – bullies are bad, it’s important to have defence, but then would it be too strong, or turn out to be bullying too… you decide…

Boredom – I think you get to a point of being bored when your bored of it so you find different things that bore you, these are called hobbies and interests. I would rather be going down waterslides than sitting on a bus. Or ice skating than yoga or reading. but you know.

Being ripped off and having to ask for a refund or replacement – these moments are always so akward for me, I always feel as if I have walked into someones home and asked them to eat there own feices when I ask for a replacement or refund.

People who speak on your behalf in front of you without you wanting them too – just grrrr only have 13 minutes left at the library and want seven of each…

Non descript bacterial infections in your penis – It’s not serious enough to be horrifying like aids, but I had one and got some antibiotics, then I had to not masturbate for two or three weeks afterwards. This was in like decemeber or something, now it is September, I still cant not masturbate and I still have a bit of stinging, the most I managed is 11 days, as soon as I feel slightly healed I miss my “Matt’s happy times” so much that I go at it several times, over and over. I have methods of keeping myself doing it like convincing myself my sex drive will never come back or its really important to keep your stamina trained to keep my future wife happy. But a mans best friend is never lonely if a man is very very very very Bored

Overweight mensturating lesbians…

Two overweight mensturating lesbians were sat in the kitchen one morning looking lovingly into each others eyes. Outside through the window the sun was shining brightly over the trees and the birds were chirping happily to one another. Then all of a sudden the toast popped out of the toaster. One overweight menstuarting lesbian shouted really really really really really really loudly to the other overweight mesturating lesbian “I WANTED TO USE THE TOASTER FIRST YOU FUCKING CUNT!”. And thus the joke was finished and breakfast was very tense that morning, and was to be so for a few more mornings to come afterwards…

I am not…

Just a dildo accessory, that you can pull from the draw of imagination when your feeling a little moist and lonely.

Just a toy for you to feed, fuck, sit on my face and then after you have fed me some cereal the next morning,  send me  home to be back at your beck and call whenever you feel like it.

Just a voice on the phone to feed your fantasy of an ever ready cock with no other purpose than to please your bodily desires.

I am a real person, with real needs and a flair for affection and love and companionship.

Although that would be kind of brilliant.

My hair looks really not OK today, something Must Be Done!
At some point, soon.
Really soon.
Maybe tomorrow then, yeah tomorrow, or just whenever I feel like it.
When I just kind of do it at some point soon.
Or a little later maybe.
When I am ready…

Slightly Profound Man quote…

If in any doubt at all of how incredibly slightly profound; Slightly Profound Man’s words really are! Then look no further than the extent to the narrow and seemingly non existent attention paid to his words by hardly anyone at all…

“In all of our actions are the preparations made of mind and reflective conversation when not much is ever really happening.”

Fin…