Brush my teeth…
Chew a clove of garlic…
A shot of Spirytus (95% by volume neutral grain spirit from Poland – for when everyone has died and all the trees are gone :now with vitamin s: always consider a healthy diet and consulting a doctor before daily use “Spirytus – the best medical care that money can buy”)
Brew some coffee in the cafe têre…
Good morning :)
Spirytus neutral grain spirit is a 95% Polish / Estonian vodka beverage, it is not exactly what many people would describe as expensive to buy, it is cheap… (may as well be petrol)
Here is the advertising I imagine for such a drink…
All your family were killed in a plane crash, you are too depressed to work and now live in a hedge…
Drink Spirytus…
Your loved ones were raped by gangsters and you were punished by being locked in a high security mental ward for complaining…
Drink Spirytus…
For some reason everyone you know have committed suicide or gone to prison…
Drink Spirytus…
You were beaten, robbed and burnt alive because someone else owed someone else some money, now you can only write with half the alphabet…
Drink Spirytus…
Tried committing suicide only to survive and now you speak in the dialect of small primates and poo yourself…
Drink Spirytus…
You and all your friends were molested at school, and given bad exam results for being a naughty tale tale, now you are a prostitute who is thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of monetary units in debt (or even millions)…
Drink Spirytus…
There is no justice in the world, except on television.
But who the hell has a television…
Drink Spirytus…
You are dead? Tsk tsk tsk, no Spirytus for you…
Drink Spirytus, the best medical care that money can buy…
Now with Vitamin S…
Two young and good looking people were in a flat watching the “how to be even more young and good looking” show on television.
Suddenly a brick came through the window with a note attached to it.
One young and good looking person took the brick from the new dent in his good friends forehead.
“Bad news” he mumbled “I think your sister is pregnant”.
“Is that not your ex girlfriend” he replied.
“I am not so sure, I was really quite drunk that night” he counter replied
“oh” he counter counter replied “So what else is on tv?”
Fin…
Why work out lonely in the gym when I can row at home while watching lesbian pornography?
Fin…
Black tea
Max Normal Tv – Good morning South Africa
Dorset Cereals – Simply nutty muesli with Orange juice instead of milk
Dvd 2 of Digital Sin compilation of “A mouth full of pussy”
Some machine rowing…
I’ll just go home and cry alone and drink red wine… am I a woman?
Fin…
1. Slightly Profound Man
Where have we found you?
Invented by me
Me equals Matthew.
2. Slightly Profound Man
Slightly Profound Man
you do all you can
to be profound, man.
Still the guys don’t listen
cos there doing something else
why oh why oh why oh why
Slightly Profound Man?
3. Slightly Profound Man
Are your plans profound?
Do you find yourself down?
When other people are too busy doin other stuff to listen n that?
4. You are a man
Who is slightly profound
Slightly Profound Man
Who stands on the ground
Are you wound up
As no one will listen?
Will someone hear your wisdom?
Slightly Profound Man?
Fin…
At a yoga class earlier, a rather buxom female teacher got us all to shimmy in unison. Being one of the only two men there I felt a little embarrassed, especially considering my attempt at shimmying was more like some really awkward shoulder jerking…
Note : Completely coincidence to the breasts in the airplane film, hence why it is here though I suppose…
A Woman is always so much more beautiful when she is wearing a dress. And if even this fails, she can always be photographed in black and white…
Helping very small children inflict a decent amount of pain.
Resolves most arguments.
A temporary quick fix pain killer.
Makes you appear ten times bigger and harder, And your money back (or else).
Gets you other peoples stuff free of charge.
Helps you dodge que’s in any number of situations.
Your local Police armed response unit not turning up fast enough….
Have no where to stay tonight and a police cell seems luxurious?
Is a good source of iron in your daily diet.
A good alternative to more expensive sleep inducing products (also see for pain killer when morning arrives).
Your Mum will just not shut up about you getting a job / wife / baby / etc.
A good way to show who is boss in an office situation.
Make friends with fear and respect.
Can’t afford pet food? No more pet, no more worries…
FunnY sTufF n things. 
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