Breakfast…

Brush my teeth…
Chew a clove of garlic…
A shot of Spirytus (95% by volume neutral grain spirit from Poland – for when everyone has died and all the trees are gone :now with vitamin s: always consider a healthy diet and consulting a doctor before daily use “Spirytus – the best medical care that money can buy”)
Brew some coffee in the cafe têre…

Good morning :)

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If Spirytus had advertising…

Spirytus neutral grain spirit is a 95% Polish / Estonian vodka beverage, it is not exactly what many people would describe as expensive to buy, it is cheap… (may as well be petrol)

Here is the advertising I imagine for such a drink…

All your family were killed in a plane crash, you are too depressed to work and now live in a hedge…

Drink Spirytus…

Your loved ones were raped by gangsters and you were punished by being locked in a high security mental ward for complaining…

Drink Spirytus…

For some reason everyone you know have committed suicide or gone to prison…

Drink Spirytus…

You were beaten, robbed and burnt alive because someone else owed someone else some money, now you can only write with half the alphabet…

Drink Spirytus…

Tried committing suicide only to survive and now you speak in the dialect of small primates and poo yourself…

Drink Spirytus…

You and all your friends were molested at school, and given bad exam results for being a naughty tale tale, now you are a prostitute who is thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of monetary units in debt (or even millions)…

Drink Spirytus…

There is no justice in the world, except on television.

But who the hell has a television…

Drink Spirytus…

You are dead? Tsk tsk tsk, no Spirytus for you…

Drink Spirytus, the best medical care that money can buy…

Now with Vitamin S…

Two Young and Good Looking People learn how to read…

Two young and good looking people were in a flat watching the “how to be even more young and good looking” show on television.

Suddenly a brick came through the window with a note attached to it.

One young and good looking person took the brick from the new dent in his good friends forehead.

“Bad news” he mumbled “I think your sister is pregnant”.

“Is that not your ex girlfriend” he replied.

“I am not so sure, I was really quite drunk that night” he counter replied

“oh” he counter counter replied “So what else is on tv?”

Fin…

Things… and stuff!

Things that are good and why…

Television – television is good because people who watch tv are less likely to infect each other with chicken pox, cold sores and the ebola virus as they are too busy chain smoking and eating dangerous amounts of junk food and alcohol while watching Eastenders or whatever it is nowadays.

Television is also good because it gives people stuff to talk about apparently.

Buses – buses are good because there are less people driving and thus less people making the bees tired with all the exhaust fumes.

That and like the ozone layer and things.

Breasts – breasts are good, so are vaginas, so is sex, I rarely get any.

Plates – Plates are good because they have food on them, however they are fundemantally very very dull as a singular entitie, no matter how many patterns you put on a plate, or women holding jugs pouring milk under a victorian sunset, that is still very very dull, sorry.

Washing machines – washing machines are really good because they stop me being even more smelly than my trainers do alone, however I do not know anything other than 40 degree synthetic setting, also know to the older generation as “The bloke setting”.

My washing machine was making my clothes more smelly because of hippy washing alternative “Soap nuts”, I tried but they didnt work for me. Chemicles are good for washing machines.

Hugs – Hugs are incredibally wonderful and amazing, especially if you include breasts too, not even in an arousing way just squishy breasty hugs, and other hugs, all hugs, hugs are great…

Low cut tops – I recently was given an old vest t shirt that belonged to my cousin Adam. At first I was afraid, I was petrified, however I walked around in a thin low cut vest and I noticed some women or girls or even guys noticing me. And I thought “Wow, this is great”. So now I wear vest type thing as part of a rigerous uniform, I really enjoy picking things up and leaning more than I ever have. Oh and bending in yoga and body balance for the “Plank” position.

If I was a woman I would would flaunt my cleavage until the day only a brain damaged ex convict on large amounts of coffee would appreciate them, whom I would take into my evil clutches when he was volounteering at the old peoples home where I would live. Gradually I would talk about much younger women at the beach to gradually lure him in and make him too arroused to be able to resist, I would bore him for several hours about things I enjoyed doing and show him photographs of other peoples holidays I found laying around in parks and hospitals.

Things that are bad and why…

Televisions – The idiot box will drain you of any real active life, I much prefer radio 4, I actually really hate television, I hardly watch it, it completly zombified me.

Did I lie, did I forget, was I just in a haze, yeah tv, hmmm. I like music videos though.

KFC – I am currently struggling with a mild KFC dependancy, I keep walking past and there is like this super electro magnet that homes in on the iron in my blood stream and draws me in. I can say in the morning I will not go in, I can try and stop myself one day, I can say “I’m done with that shit”. But I will always be back.

See also Pot Noodle, doughnuts, etc etc

Bullies – bullies are bad, it’s important to have defence, but then would it be too strong, or turn out to be bullying too… you decide…

Boredom – I think you get to a point of being bored when your bored of it so you find different things that bore you, these are called hobbies and interests. I would rather be going down waterslides than sitting on a bus. Or ice skating than yoga or reading. but you know.

Being ripped off and having to ask for a refund or replacement – these moments are always so akward for me, I always feel as if I have walked into someones home and asked them to eat there own feices when I ask for a replacement or refund.

People who speak on your behalf in front of you without you wanting them too – just grrrr only have 13 minutes left at the library and want seven of each…

Non descript bacterial infections in your penis – It’s not serious enough to be horrifying like aids, but I had one and got some antibiotics, then I had to not masturbate for two or three weeks afterwards. This was in like decemeber or something, now it is September, I still cant not masturbate and I still have a bit of stinging, the most I managed is 11 days, as soon as I feel slightly healed I miss my “Matt’s happy times” so much that I go at it several times, over and over. I have methods of keeping myself doing it like convincing myself my sex drive will never come back or its really important to keep your stamina trained to keep my future wife happy. But a mans best friend is never lonely if a man is very very very very Bored

Slightly Profound Man and The Two Blondes…

There were two hot teenage blonde girls outside a shop trying to help each other look old  to buy some vodka.
One hot teenage blonde girl said to the other hot teenage blonde girl “Your Mother is so ugly, th th tha that she has to like wear loads of make up”, the other hot teenage blonde girl said to the first young hot teenage blonde girl “Well your mother is so immensely fat, be be because she eats to much, as ever since your father died she has felt really sad and does not open up to anyone, and you never really talk to her and I actually think that’s really cruel, and you could at least maybe give her a hug and ask her how she is once in a while”.
Meanwhile Slightly Profound Man is heading the the very same shop to buy this months copy of ‘Hot Blonde Teenage Girls’ magazine.
One hot young teenage blonde says to slightly profound man.
“Hey Guy, could you pleaseeee get us some vodka, you can come and hang out with us, pleeeeease”
Slightly profound man says “Well do you think destiny is limited by a predefined set of actions, and therefore there is no such thing as freedom”.
The other hot teenage blonde girl says “Yeah, whatever, you gonna get us some vodka”.
Slightly Profound man says “No I am a responsible citizen, clearly you are underage”.

Fin…